FATHERS DAY 2019

            I’m surprised to discover that it’s been seven years since I published a Fathers Day column here.  I’m not surprised to discover that I have a somewhat different perspective now than I had then.  Nothing stands still.

            One of the privileges of a career spent as a psychotherapist/family therapist was the chance to study family systems theory (in several forms), and the reality of multi-generational transmission of patterns.

            I slowly became aware that when I sat in a room with a client, there were at three generations of patterns in front of me.  If a client and I became very well acquainted, we could soon spot together powerful evidence of patterns of behavior and reactions that could be traced directly at least to grandparents, and we often suspected further back than that.  

            It’s not enough to make me believe in ghosts, but I was more than once aware, in my own home, of bit of my behavior that I could trace to my own grandfather—though often I wasn’t aware of them until very late.  I’m so grateful that I got to know my canny, clever, funny but taciturn paternal grandfather, because there were strands to his style that I can now remember in my father and, occasionally, even spot in myself.

            As s child, typically, I was far more aware of my father’s shortcomings than I was of his gifts.  As time passed that balance slowly shifted, but when I became a father, one of my prayers was to be able to be a better father than my father was.  In at least some ways I think that hope was gratned—though that’s not really for me to assess. I can’t help wondering how my children remember (and will remember) mystruggles to be a good father.

            But then—wonder of wonders—I watched as myson, to the best of my ability to assess, became a better father to his sons than I was to him.  An amazing achievement, and gift to me.

            SO—is that not perhaps the best we fathers can hope for—to give better than we were given?  No matter how good our fathers were, if we can be even better fathers to our children, we have made the world just a bit better than when we found it—and that is a gift the world will always need.

            So thanks again to mydad, for all the things he did right; thanks for the privilege of having been allowed to a father; congrats to my son for his successes in being a great father. But it still astonishes me now and then to catch glimpses in hisfathering of the styles of myfather—his grandfather.

            May the world continue to grasp that no matter how marvelous the influences of mothers are, we will always need strong and loving fathers—as many as we can get.  In-the-home fathers, divorced fathers, stepfathers, adoptive fathers—men who can learn and show the best of what it means to balance love and strength and humility and grace and discipline and all the other gifts we need from our fathers.  Salute to all of you fathers who are still working at it!

Ralph Milligan

Fathers Day 2019]

All that time on may computer . . .

            I’ve been asked more than once recently, “What do you dowith all the time you spend on the computer?”  I’m not sure how many are really interested in the answer, but perhaps I can explain why I find the question a bit baffling.

            It’s not complicated.  First, I stay in touch with friends from all over the US whom I’ve met through years of travel and moving, and whom I miss. People I care about still—literally in AL, CA, CO, FL, IA, IL, KS, LA, MI, NC, ND, NM, OK, PA, SC, VA, and WV—plus a few others.

            Also--I keep up with the news—not just the headlines, but feature stories that interest me.  Recent ones include the underground tunnels of Paris, Christian harassment of abortion patients,  the lawsuits by the Kentucky “Ark replica” against insurers for failing to pay for rain damage, Christian harassment of transsexuals, Facebook’s comfort with hosting the fake Pelosi video, the use of oyster shells to slow Louisiana coastal erosion, the GOP senator who is holding up relief money for disaster victims, the President’s effort to skirt Congress’s ban on arms sales to Saudi Arabia, Betsy Devos’s effort maintain the student debt of disabled veterans . . . I’m genuinely interested in all those stories and more. Plus stories about astrophysics and space exploration, ocean pollution, the fight for equality for all sorts of victims of bigotry . . .

            In addition—I read several newspapers online, including but not limited to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, the Charlotte Observer, the New Zealand Herald, and occasionally several others.

            I also check in with several online news sources, including (but not limited to) Huffington Post, Politico, ProPublica, the Daily Beast, Atlantic Monthly, and the New Yorker.

            Also—I look up things online.  Recently I’ve looked for information on the United Methodist fight over anti-LGBT legislation, the area of the city of Atlanta, the struggles over the leadership of the Southern Poverty Law Center, the emotional dynamics of fundamentalism, the side effects of one of my medications, the names of my legislative representatives, and the digital manuals for several of my home appliances.

            Also—I shop.  I’ve recently ordered several books (both paper and Kindle versions), a particular kind of night light, a garden bench, sunglasses, medicines from an online pharmacy, and a slew of other stuff that brick-and-mortar retailers make it harder and harder to find in their stores.

            Also—I stay in touch with organizations I value, including the Citizens Climate Lobby, Planned Parenthood, NARAL, and UUA, among others.

            That’s more than enough.  My point is that the Internet is my window on the world, where I can catch instantaneous glimpses of the world, great cities, great libraries, beautiful places I’ll never visit, and nationalities who help shape the world but whom I’m unlikely to encounter in person—Mongolia, Rwanda, Austria, Brazil, Nicaragua, and Zimbabwe, among others.

            So from myperspective, I’m not spending a lot of time on my computer.  I’m using my computer to roam our fascinating (and terrifying) world, trying to put a dent in the ignorance that keeps me from understanding what’s going on. As a retired guy in the southern US, I find that important.

            Stop by and join me—physically or online. You’re welcome.